Going to see my baby

Three more days and I will be wrapped in his arms! Even if just for a brief moment, it will bring me a little peace to the chaos of life without him. I dream of his arms around me. I smell his cologne on his pillow. So many little things to remind me that even though we are thousands of miles apart we still remain together in my dreams. Peace..... just a little peace....even if just for a moment. Just a reminder of how much he truly loves me. Will it be enough to last the whole year thru? I don't know, but it is a good start. Three more days......

I'm Afraid

The days are so long, but the nights are even longer. Every where I look I am reminded of the part of my heart that is missing. People keep telling me that I am so strong to be able to survive this separation, but I don't feel strong and I'm not so sure that I am surviving it. Right now I feel so broken. It feels like everything is crashing down around me lately. I am on an emotional roller coaster that I can't get off of. The girls are up and down with their emotions and mine seem completely out of control.

Looking back over the week I faced an emotion I never thought I would feel. Jealousy! Father's day was really rough seeing all the families together and happy and all I could think of was that it isn't fair. Here it's supposed to be a special day for families and mine is falling apart because daddy isn't here. I want my family back together. Then later in the week when my friends husband was able to return home after basic training I found myself angry. I was happy for her but angry that it wasn't me that got to be wrapped in my husbands arms. Part of my job is to help support other families, and I often find myself wondering if I am really cut out for the job. When I am missing my husband so much that it hurts.

It's been three months, and it is only getting harder. I wander around feeling lost most of the time. I can't even begin to describe how I feel other than to say that there is a HUGE void in my life right now. I get to spend 2 days with Troy in Georgia before he ships to Iraq, but it won't be enough. Yes I will treasure the time we have together, but I know that it will only make the hole in my heart bigger when I have to say goodbye again. There is always another goodbye.

So many goodbyes and never enough time spent together. They say that absense makes the heart grow fonder, and in a way it is true, but it also rips a heart apart. Some days my heart hurts so bad that I can barely breathe. It's like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and I'm suffocating. I have found that for the first time in my life I am truly afraid of dying from a broken heart. I try to hold it together for my girls, but I'm not me anymore. I go thru the motions, but there isn't any emotion. How can I pull my girls thru this deployment when I'm struggling to get myself thru it.

I never imagined in all my life that I would ever fall in love and depend on someone as much as I have. Troy is my life, my sanity,and my reason to breathe. Now I struggle to get up in the morning to face the day without him, but I am even more scared to go to sleep without his arms wrapped around me. I am afraid of the nightmares that always come. I pray that God would grant me the stregnth the endure each day and show me the peace so I can sleep each night. But still the nightmares come.

Everyday I have to tell myself to breathe.....just breathe. I remind myself of just how proud I am of Troy and his selfless act to serve a country that seems to have forgotten all the men & women and their families that sacrifice each day so that others have the freedom to stand on the street and complain about "today's society". If only they truly knew the sacrifice that we make and the heartbreak we face every day while apart.

Imagine never being able to call the person you love the most, and always pacing by the phone hoping and praying that he will call. Imagine checking your email every hour hoping to hear something from him. Imagine going to bed each night praying that God will keep him safe and bring him back home. Imagine a life where all you can do is hope & pray. Everyone keeps offering to "help" but in all honesty, what can they do? How can you mend the broken heart of someone else? How can you take away the nightmares? You can't..... so all I can do is breathe...... just breathe.

The bottom line is this.......... you ask how I am doing?............

I'm afraid!