Surgery Update & Family Pictures 2009

Ok, so it's been quite a while since I've updated this. So much has happened. I had my surgery October 23rd. The Dr. ran into some complications and had to open me up to remove it. The scar tissue from my previous 3 c-sections caused everything to web together. My uterus was literally attached to one of my kidneys, my stomach and my liver. As well as my ovaries were fused together with scar tissue so both had to be removed. What started as a simple orthoscopic surgery turned into pretty much a nightmare. But all is removed, and the biopsy has shown that although there were many pre-cancerous cells in the tumors found, they were benign at the time of removal. So now I am on a hormone patch, since she had to remove everything, yes, cervix, uterus and both ovaries had to be removed. It has made for a longer recovery time, but I am overcoming. One day at a time and I've been blessed with a lot of people willing to help out. Troy was able to be home for my surgery and was here to take care of me for the first week post-surgery. It was extremely difficult to tell him goodbye, but it had to be done. I've struggled harder this time around more than the girls have. Only 5 more months and the man of my life will be in my arms again. Counting the days! Anyway, while Troy was home on Emergency leave, we were blessed to have my little brother Tom on R&R leave from his deployment to afghanastan as well. So we jumped at the blessing and had family pictures taken. What with never knowing what tomorrow may bring, we wanted to capture us all together again! So below are the pictures we had done. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Keep 'em coming, it's not over yet! But I am healing, my heart is mending.....and soon we will all be a family together again!



This is my parents, my brother & his wife, my sister along with Troy & I and our 4 beautiful girls

This is my beautiful big sister!


This is Troy and myself with our beautiful girls. Tabitha is 9, Kathryn is 8, Jordan is 6, and Samantha is 3.




This is my baby brother and his beautiful wife! We are so glad to have her as a part of our family. She helps keep me going when the deployment starts to get to me. Thanks Kels!




More family pics!









And yes, all the pictures are different! The photographer had a blast taking pictures for us. She was amazed at how well behaved the girls were and how well they listened. We didn't have to do any retakes! AMAZING! All of us were looking at the camera and smiling at the same time! It was AWESOME! Best photo shoot ever!

Surgery

So I have had an ongoing battle with my health for many years. I have tried everything the doctors have offered and still I suffer. I began hemorrhaging about 6 weeks ago and went to the doctor. I was referred to a specialist, and it has been determined that I need to have a hysterectomy done. I go in for the surgery October 23rd.

Although I have battled this on my own, but more now than ever I wish Troy was here with me. The risks of surgery and me are great. We all know that I don't play well with surgeons, so it scares me. I have a bad history of complications from anesthesia, and also trouble clotting. Neither of which is good, but it's a really bad combination. I'm terrified to go thru this alone. I wish Troy could be here. I know he wouldn't be able to stay for the whole six week recovery, but if only he could be here to be by my side for the surgery. If only I could wake up to him holding my hand.

I am so afraid that something may go wrong, and if it does where does that leave our girls. I am holding onto faith that God will pull me through this, but it is very scary when you know that right now you are the only parent they have to take care of them. Don't get me wrong I don't, not even for a moment, regret Troy's decision to serve his country. I am so proud of him, and I wouldn't change a thing. But at this moment, I am the only one here to take care of our children, and now that my life hangs in the balance it is a scary realization of what will happen with our girls. I know that the family will step in to care for them, but they are not mommy & daddy.

So please keep us all in your prayers, things are going to get pretty rough for us.

At Peace

So many things have happened since I last posted. I attended the funerals of SPC. Taylor Marks on September 4th. It was the most heart breaking & yet inspirational funeral I have ever been to. I was part of the procession that escorted Spc. Marks from his hometown of Monmouth/Indenpendence up to his final resting place at Willamette National Cemetary in Portland. It was like the town literally rolled up their streets and and closed down to show him the honor and respect he deserved. The streets were lined on both sides with everyone from the community. Some held flags, some saluted, some held their hands to their hearts. The drive usually only takes about an hour to an hour and a half, the procession took 3 hours. All along I-5 & I-205 the state police & ODOT closed off the on ramps to the highway for the procession. Please got out of their vehicles to salute, it was amazing. He was truly honored and respected.

Then on Saturday, September 5th I attended SGT. Earl Werner's funerals. So many people loved and respected him. He was a true hero. His wife stood and spoke and said that Sgt. Werner promised to bring Spc. Marks home, and he did. Although they were not able to walk off the plane, they did both come home, TOGETHER. These families are truly amazing. Even in their great loss, they stood tall. Spc. Marks parents attended Saturdays service and when I spoke with his mom she had one thing to say.

"If another family goes thru this, you call me, I will be there to help them. I will cook meals, clean the house and do the dishes. But I want to help them the way that others have helped me."

Inspite it all, she is willing to serve. That is a true testament! The pastor gave this quote to ponder on "We are not falling to pieces because we are at peace." I could only hope that if I were ever faced with this kind of devastation in my life that I would be able to stand tall, proud and at peace.

A moment of silence for the loss of two Oregon Soldiers

It was announced today that two members of the Oregon Army National Guard were killed yesterday in Iraq, and at least a third wounded during an incident in eastern Baghdad.

The names of the injured have not been released pending notification of family members.

Our hearts and prayers go out to all the soldiers of the Oregon National Guard in this time of sorrow. This loss has had a huge impact on so many! My heart is breaking.

My Trip to Georgia was amazing

Here's some pictures from my trip! Well worth the cost to spend a few days with my husband!

Finally in Theatre

Troy has finally made it to Iraq. One benefit of him being in Iraq is he finally has internet, so we've been able to do video chats thru Skype. It's great being able to see him and talk to him at the same time. Of course it isn't the same as a face-to-face conversation, but I will take what I can get. Plus with this he's able to call more often, and the girls can see & talk to him as well. We've began the countdown to his return home. Hopefully he will get a 2 week break somewhere in the middle, but there is no guarentee on that. Thank you for all your love, prayers and support.

Going to see my baby

Three more days and I will be wrapped in his arms! Even if just for a brief moment, it will bring me a little peace to the chaos of life without him. I dream of his arms around me. I smell his cologne on his pillow. So many little things to remind me that even though we are thousands of miles apart we still remain together in my dreams. Peace..... just a little peace....even if just for a moment. Just a reminder of how much he truly loves me. Will it be enough to last the whole year thru? I don't know, but it is a good start. Three more days......

I'm Afraid

The days are so long, but the nights are even longer. Every where I look I am reminded of the part of my heart that is missing. People keep telling me that I am so strong to be able to survive this separation, but I don't feel strong and I'm not so sure that I am surviving it. Right now I feel so broken. It feels like everything is crashing down around me lately. I am on an emotional roller coaster that I can't get off of. The girls are up and down with their emotions and mine seem completely out of control.

Looking back over the week I faced an emotion I never thought I would feel. Jealousy! Father's day was really rough seeing all the families together and happy and all I could think of was that it isn't fair. Here it's supposed to be a special day for families and mine is falling apart because daddy isn't here. I want my family back together. Then later in the week when my friends husband was able to return home after basic training I found myself angry. I was happy for her but angry that it wasn't me that got to be wrapped in my husbands arms. Part of my job is to help support other families, and I often find myself wondering if I am really cut out for the job. When I am missing my husband so much that it hurts.

It's been three months, and it is only getting harder. I wander around feeling lost most of the time. I can't even begin to describe how I feel other than to say that there is a HUGE void in my life right now. I get to spend 2 days with Troy in Georgia before he ships to Iraq, but it won't be enough. Yes I will treasure the time we have together, but I know that it will only make the hole in my heart bigger when I have to say goodbye again. There is always another goodbye.

So many goodbyes and never enough time spent together. They say that absense makes the heart grow fonder, and in a way it is true, but it also rips a heart apart. Some days my heart hurts so bad that I can barely breathe. It's like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and I'm suffocating. I have found that for the first time in my life I am truly afraid of dying from a broken heart. I try to hold it together for my girls, but I'm not me anymore. I go thru the motions, but there isn't any emotion. How can I pull my girls thru this deployment when I'm struggling to get myself thru it.

I never imagined in all my life that I would ever fall in love and depend on someone as much as I have. Troy is my life, my sanity,and my reason to breathe. Now I struggle to get up in the morning to face the day without him, but I am even more scared to go to sleep without his arms wrapped around me. I am afraid of the nightmares that always come. I pray that God would grant me the stregnth the endure each day and show me the peace so I can sleep each night. But still the nightmares come.

Everyday I have to tell myself to breathe.....just breathe. I remind myself of just how proud I am of Troy and his selfless act to serve a country that seems to have forgotten all the men & women and their families that sacrifice each day so that others have the freedom to stand on the street and complain about "today's society". If only they truly knew the sacrifice that we make and the heartbreak we face every day while apart.

Imagine never being able to call the person you love the most, and always pacing by the phone hoping and praying that he will call. Imagine checking your email every hour hoping to hear something from him. Imagine going to bed each night praying that God will keep him safe and bring him back home. Imagine a life where all you can do is hope & pray. Everyone keeps offering to "help" but in all honesty, what can they do? How can you mend the broken heart of someone else? How can you take away the nightmares? You can't..... so all I can do is breathe...... just breathe.

The bottom line is this.......... you ask how I am doing?............

I'm afraid!

The Mobilization Ceremony In Bend


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Deployment

So we are now 1 month into this very long deployment. Me and the girls are starting to adjust to not having Troy around, but the pain of missing him is great. It is so hard to go to bed alone with no one to hold, and on those rough days it's hard no being able to just pick up the phone and call him. I know that we will endure, and that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but by golly I think I'm fond enough of Troy. Shoot we celebrated our 9th anniversary the day after his departure. This was our first anniversary apart, and my second birthday without him. It is those special days that make me miss him the most. The girls and I had a lot of fun this Easter, but it was sad that Troy missed it. In partnership with Operation HomeFront we held the first ever 1249th Battalion Easter Egg Hunt at Heritage park. The kids all had a blast look for eggs, and the parents seems to enjoy themselves too. The first of many holidays without daddy, I have very big shoes to fill, but I'm determined to make sure that every holiday is celebrated together just me and the girls. We will make it thru this long separation.

Is this rollercoaster ride ever going to end?

So we were informed on Monday afternoon that Troy will be leaving for the deployment next monday. One weeks notice! We have scrambled to get all of his gear together and get everything on the packing list. To make matters worse I've had to work all week, so I have had very little time to spend with him in his last week at home. We will be leaving on Sunday morning to Bend to the unit that he is deploying with, and I will return on Monday after he leaves.

I promised myself that I wouldn't cry infront of him so that he knows that me and the girls will be okay, but I can't even begin to explain just how hard of a task that truly is. When I look into his eyes I just want to bawl! 18 months is such a long time! I can't imagine what it is going to be like having to sleep alone for that long. I treasure the fact that every night when we go to bed Troy cuddles up with me and holds me until I go to sleep. How will I sleep without him here? It is like I'm walking thru fog. I'm going thru the actions, but I'm not there. I feel like my heart is breaking just knowing that I am going to have to say goodbye in a couple of days. I knew he was going to go, but it was sureal. It wasn't reality until Monday night, and now it is a nightmare. I can't sleep because of the nightmares, and at work I'm so distracted. All I want to do is be at home with my family.

Please pray for my family! Right now I don't know how to be strong for Troy and the girls, when I feel like I'm dying inside. I know that we will get thru this, but I'm not sure how. All the training has gone out the window. It was so much easier when it wasn't my family. I know that this separation will bring us closer together. And the reality is that I will be a better FRG Coordinator because of the deployment. But right now, I'm wondering if it is really worth it. How do you say goodbye to someone who is part of you? How can I tuck my kids into bed each night and tell them that Daddy will come home soon, when I'm not so sure myself. How do I explain to them that this is Daddy's job, and he has to go and be a soldier and an American hero? How do I tell them that he is fighting for the freedom that the Government is trying to take away from us?

So many questions and no answers! Please just keep us in your thoughts and prayers because right now that is the only thing that will get us thru this! I know that God is in control and he has a plan, but right now I have no idea what that plan is, and I really don't like it!

Thank you for reading my rambings!

How time flies...

The deployment is fast approaching, with only one month of preparation left. There are so many things left to be done, and so little time to complete it in. It has been a challenge juggling my chaiotic work schedule, getting things in order before he leaves, and finding time to spend together as a family. I worry that the girls are suffering because there are only so many hours in the day, and so many of those hours are spent away from them at work. I wonder how they will adapt to the change of their dad's departure, and how I will react to being a single mom again for such a long period of time. It is a big change, and I will make the best of the situation, but what will I do on those lonely nights, and long days without him here? I know that I have a good support system in place, but I feel like this is something I have to do on my own. It is my responsibility to care for the girls, to pay the bills, to clean the house and to maintain some normalcy for the girls. That is a lot for one person to do all by themself. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as I know that we are truly going to need it.

Change is in the Air......

I spent this past weekend at a training conference in Silverton for the National Guard. I became a trained facilitator for Franklin Covey's 7 Habits for the Effective Military Family During a Deployment. It was an amazing weekend full of information and networking opportunities. I met so many great people that are involved with the National Guard.

One very special person I met was a Battalion FRG of the 41st Brigade. The signifigance is that the 41st Brigade is leaving for a 18 month Deployment to Iraq in April. Upon my return home from the conference, I learned that Troy is on the Deployment list to go with the 41st.
Although there is some anxiety about him going, I am confident that we can handle this. God has blessed us with an opportunity to hold onto our faith and let Him lead the way for us.

I know that Troy feels as though he hasn't fulfilled his responsibilities, and he won't until he has served his country. I am proud of him for standing up for what he believes in, and I am honored to call him my husband.

I appreciate everyone's love and support. And of course lots of prayers! This deployment will help our family to grow stronger, and teach us how to hold onto the little things and not take things for granted. Life is short, make the best of every moment.

Life is Good!

This journey has been a roller coaster! I am currently working 7 days a week! Although I love both my jobs I miss the time spent with my girls & husband. I plug on because I know it won't be like this forever. Working at the State Procurement office is only temporary (until June), and being the FRG for Battalion is an opportunity of a lifetime. God has openned these doors for me, and He wouldn't have done it if he knew I couldn't handle it. My hope is that while I'm away this weekend for training maybe I will get a little time for me and be able to recenter myself. I am excited to say that things are moving in the right direction for the FRG program. Although I have hit some challenges, I know that we will be able to overcome and build this to be the program it is supposed to be.

I hope that everyone is doing well, and that God has showered you in blessings!

Quick Catch Up

Okay, sorry it's been so long since I've updated this thing! But WOW! Life has been a whirlwind lately. We are still dealing with the insurance stuff since the car accident in December. We finally got our van back from the shop January 2nd, with a new look on life and a new backend! From the back end it looks like a brand new vehicle.
I've been working since November for the State, and I am loving my job. I had my 3 month evaluation this last week, and things are going really well. Even with the time I've had to miss from work due to Dr. Appts, and Physical Therapy from the car accident, they still wanna keep me (that's a really good sign!). I've gained more and more responsibilities at work, and I am transitioning pretty smoothly from task to task. I now have the large responsibility of all Credit card transactions, and preparing the deposits! All I can say is, man I wish some of those checks were made out to me!
I received a great honor and privillage this past friday that I will be venturing into. The 1249th Batallion FRG (Family Readiness Group) Coordinator put in her resignation last week. I have been her assistant for the past year and a half. With her resignation I didn't know where I stood anymore as I have been maintaining the Assistant Closet that has food, clothes, toys, school supplies, things that families might be in need of. Well I was contacted by the LTC. of Batallion and offered the position. I graciously accepted, and will start my training this week. I'm eager and excited to step up to the challenge, as I know that I have a lot to offer to all these families. I'm pacing myself for the long term marathon so as to not get burnt out in the 100 meter dash. Although change is not always openly accepted, I am up to the task, and excited to see what kind of impact I can have on all the Batallion families.
As for the rest of the family! Troy is happily changing roles with me, and is enjoying being a stay at home dad for a while. He has been gone so much the past few years on military duty, that he has really seen the changes in our girls. Since he's home now and I am working full time, he is taking the opportunity to take some online coarses towards getting his BA in business. The girls are loving having so much time with him, and I appreciate the change of pace of working. It helps me to appreciate my family even more.
Tabbey went to visit a dermatologist about the alopecia. Right now things are moving in a positive direction. Her hair is growing back and seems to be pretty even for now. She is coming to an age now, that we can try some different treatments for her hair loss and won't have to just resort to shaving her head to stimulate hair growth.
Kathryn has gotten new glasses, and seems to be doing better. Although there are still alot of struggles with her schooling. We are having her evaluated for ADHD and trying to find ways other than medication to help her maintain focus on her education. It's been a definate challenge, but we are working together with the teachers, counselor, and doctor to get it all figured out.
Jordan LOVES kindergarten. She comes home daily with excitement and enthusiasm towards her studies. It is encouraging to see her anticipation for learning.
Samantha, well she's still 2! She is testing her boundries, and mine! She is a big hit at my office though, and has been determined to be the cutest kid around with those big blue eyes! I keep telling everyone, go ahead take her home for a while and see just how great being two is! :) No takers yet! hahaha
So this is our quick update. I hope that the holidays were blessed for each of you, and that this new year will bring you all great happiness and joy. I look forward to reconnecting with each of you and hearing about your adventures though the journey of life! :)