I'm Afraid

The days are so long, but the nights are even longer. Every where I look I am reminded of the part of my heart that is missing. People keep telling me that I am so strong to be able to survive this separation, but I don't feel strong and I'm not so sure that I am surviving it. Right now I feel so broken. It feels like everything is crashing down around me lately. I am on an emotional roller coaster that I can't get off of. The girls are up and down with their emotions and mine seem completely out of control.

Looking back over the week I faced an emotion I never thought I would feel. Jealousy! Father's day was really rough seeing all the families together and happy and all I could think of was that it isn't fair. Here it's supposed to be a special day for families and mine is falling apart because daddy isn't here. I want my family back together. Then later in the week when my friends husband was able to return home after basic training I found myself angry. I was happy for her but angry that it wasn't me that got to be wrapped in my husbands arms. Part of my job is to help support other families, and I often find myself wondering if I am really cut out for the job. When I am missing my husband so much that it hurts.

It's been three months, and it is only getting harder. I wander around feeling lost most of the time. I can't even begin to describe how I feel other than to say that there is a HUGE void in my life right now. I get to spend 2 days with Troy in Georgia before he ships to Iraq, but it won't be enough. Yes I will treasure the time we have together, but I know that it will only make the hole in my heart bigger when I have to say goodbye again. There is always another goodbye.

So many goodbyes and never enough time spent together. They say that absense makes the heart grow fonder, and in a way it is true, but it also rips a heart apart. Some days my heart hurts so bad that I can barely breathe. It's like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and I'm suffocating. I have found that for the first time in my life I am truly afraid of dying from a broken heart. I try to hold it together for my girls, but I'm not me anymore. I go thru the motions, but there isn't any emotion. How can I pull my girls thru this deployment when I'm struggling to get myself thru it.

I never imagined in all my life that I would ever fall in love and depend on someone as much as I have. Troy is my life, my sanity,and my reason to breathe. Now I struggle to get up in the morning to face the day without him, but I am even more scared to go to sleep without his arms wrapped around me. I am afraid of the nightmares that always come. I pray that God would grant me the stregnth the endure each day and show me the peace so I can sleep each night. But still the nightmares come.

Everyday I have to tell myself to breathe.....just breathe. I remind myself of just how proud I am of Troy and his selfless act to serve a country that seems to have forgotten all the men & women and their families that sacrifice each day so that others have the freedom to stand on the street and complain about "today's society". If only they truly knew the sacrifice that we make and the heartbreak we face every day while apart.

Imagine never being able to call the person you love the most, and always pacing by the phone hoping and praying that he will call. Imagine checking your email every hour hoping to hear something from him. Imagine going to bed each night praying that God will keep him safe and bring him back home. Imagine a life where all you can do is hope & pray. Everyone keeps offering to "help" but in all honesty, what can they do? How can you mend the broken heart of someone else? How can you take away the nightmares? You can't..... so all I can do is breathe...... just breathe.

The bottom line is this.......... you ask how I am doing?............

I'm afraid!

The Mobilization Ceremony In Bend


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Deployment

So we are now 1 month into this very long deployment. Me and the girls are starting to adjust to not having Troy around, but the pain of missing him is great. It is so hard to go to bed alone with no one to hold, and on those rough days it's hard no being able to just pick up the phone and call him. I know that we will endure, and that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but by golly I think I'm fond enough of Troy. Shoot we celebrated our 9th anniversary the day after his departure. This was our first anniversary apart, and my second birthday without him. It is those special days that make me miss him the most. The girls and I had a lot of fun this Easter, but it was sad that Troy missed it. In partnership with Operation HomeFront we held the first ever 1249th Battalion Easter Egg Hunt at Heritage park. The kids all had a blast look for eggs, and the parents seems to enjoy themselves too. The first of many holidays without daddy, I have very big shoes to fill, but I'm determined to make sure that every holiday is celebrated together just me and the girls. We will make it thru this long separation.

Is this rollercoaster ride ever going to end?

So we were informed on Monday afternoon that Troy will be leaving for the deployment next monday. One weeks notice! We have scrambled to get all of his gear together and get everything on the packing list. To make matters worse I've had to work all week, so I have had very little time to spend with him in his last week at home. We will be leaving on Sunday morning to Bend to the unit that he is deploying with, and I will return on Monday after he leaves.

I promised myself that I wouldn't cry infront of him so that he knows that me and the girls will be okay, but I can't even begin to explain just how hard of a task that truly is. When I look into his eyes I just want to bawl! 18 months is such a long time! I can't imagine what it is going to be like having to sleep alone for that long. I treasure the fact that every night when we go to bed Troy cuddles up with me and holds me until I go to sleep. How will I sleep without him here? It is like I'm walking thru fog. I'm going thru the actions, but I'm not there. I feel like my heart is breaking just knowing that I am going to have to say goodbye in a couple of days. I knew he was going to go, but it was sureal. It wasn't reality until Monday night, and now it is a nightmare. I can't sleep because of the nightmares, and at work I'm so distracted. All I want to do is be at home with my family.

Please pray for my family! Right now I don't know how to be strong for Troy and the girls, when I feel like I'm dying inside. I know that we will get thru this, but I'm not sure how. All the training has gone out the window. It was so much easier when it wasn't my family. I know that this separation will bring us closer together. And the reality is that I will be a better FRG Coordinator because of the deployment. But right now, I'm wondering if it is really worth it. How do you say goodbye to someone who is part of you? How can I tuck my kids into bed each night and tell them that Daddy will come home soon, when I'm not so sure myself. How do I explain to them that this is Daddy's job, and he has to go and be a soldier and an American hero? How do I tell them that he is fighting for the freedom that the Government is trying to take away from us?

So many questions and no answers! Please just keep us in your thoughts and prayers because right now that is the only thing that will get us thru this! I know that God is in control and he has a plan, but right now I have no idea what that plan is, and I really don't like it!

Thank you for reading my rambings!